Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Critique of the 'C' word

You can take it as my innocence, or my ability to let my mind wander, or the fact that I have nothing better to do on a weekend, take it as a constant itch to dig out, or you can simply take me as a Chutiya but I plan to dissect the word Chutiya today. This is one post that I want the stringent censor board to give a U certificate to as it's an attempt to save our culture. The gen-x today who have upgraded to the western verbiage of slangs and utter the word 'fuck' once every forty seven seconds have failed to live by our dandy heritage and it is necessary to infuse the importance of this word into them. The manipulative west has polluted our slang world as well. My heart bleeds when I see that the young ones who are future of our country consider the F word to be cool but the C word only entails responses like "eewww", "don't use that fucking word" and expressions as if someone just smelled Anil Kapoor's hairy chest. This contagious ailment extends to many a folks from my generation as well. The great word that our ancestors gifted us is fighting hard to stay afloat and I consider it my duty to explain what the colossal word stands for. This essay is my journey to discover the true meaning of Chutiya.

When and where did I hear this word for the first time? When I was 13? May be 14? It really doesn't matter but the fact is that it's been a long time. Nonetheless it was a time when you eschew the analytical spree. It is afternoon. My brain works the best when it's dark so I pull all the curtains down, turn on the air conditioner and tuck myself in a blanket. So what does the word Chutiya mean? It is an adjective. That's a good start. It's an adjective that I have used for people I can't stand, my foes, my colleagues, my friends and have even bestowed people I love with this word. Now that's where my mind stops to work and goes in circles without making any further progress. Information these days is at your finger tips. I reach out to Googles and the Wikipedias of the world to see if they can help the cause. I am disappointed as they best describe it as a 'Simpleton' or a 'Moron'. Something's amiss. Let me explain why. Let's say the word 'bhenchod' was described as a-person-who-fucks-his-sister. Assuming that you are not a chutiya you straight away see the word lose its meaning. Completely. If that's the case then someone who doesn't have a sister should never get offended by it. You get the drift. I lay in my bed thinking.

I had thought that this would be a relatively easier problem to solve but as I watch the wall clock a strange depression engulfs my mind. I watch it strike 6:37. The second hand chugs along and it is 6:38. I observe the second hand till it is 7:47. I think of how many revolutions of it had I seen. I make no progress so I decide to come out of my bed. I lit up a cigarette and pop up a can of beer. I usually do that when I am solving problems. I am a very good problem solver. It's because I never muddle the planning and execution. Most people when they plan to solve a problem then actually try to solve the problem. I only plan. The beer gloats down my throat and I make the first headway. If I think of a few chutiyas may be that can give me a lead. I will draw parallels across them to crack this problem. I pick up a pen and a paper and prepare the list. For the sake of this essay I have removed the names.

Chutiya#1. A colleague who picks his nose and observes the small round ball of mucus he makes by rolling his fingers around it. After extracting all the juices he flicks it and watches it fly. I have been in the line of fire many times and only my quick reactions have saved me thus far.  

Chutiya#2. A friend whose goal in life seems to be adding at least one Facebook friend every day. Pass by him and smile, sure enough next time you log in you would see a friend request. Don't worry if you don't have a Facebook account because you would get it within two days of creating your account.

Chutiya#3. An acquaintance who is meeting up girls for the purpose of an arranged marriage these days and told me yesterday that he is looking for someone who is 5 feet 3 inches tall and weighs between 51 and 51.5 kilograms. My deep sympathies are with the girl.

Chutiya#4. A female friend who for one week rattled me on the phone explaining how a manipulative guy has used her. Rather abused her. Physically, emotionally, financially, blah, blah. The day I got chance to speak up I advised her to cut all ties with him and she responded, "How can I do that? He is a great friend". But of course. Chutiya me. How could I miss that point?

Chutiya#5. A school friend whom I met after ages and who gave me an unsolicited advice on how to find the right girl to marry with just one question. Yes, with just one question. "Do you know what a Play Station is"? That's the million dollar question he suggested. If she says "Yes" then she is not the right girl. He gave me logic as well but I will spare you the torture. However if you are a female and you don't know what a play station is and are interested please let me know. I will be happy to pass on his number.

Chutiya#6. A relative who told me that Roger Federer is a lucky chutiya to have won 16 grand slams. Yes of course he was just roaming around with a tennis racquet, trotting around the courts and found himself with the trophies in his hand.        

I think this is a good list to start with. All I need to do is to find the common things across this set and then try to formulate a theory. I get myself another can of beer and visualize each one of them. I hit the wall very soon. There is no one quality that I can point to which is common across them. I get back to the clock and observe the minute hand now. I try to see the slightest movement but I don't. Still it moves. This is going nowhere I think when a thought strikes. There is no commonality in this set of people but each one of them has something that attributes to them being a chutiya. I rush to pen and paper and think again. How do I define that 'something' that this set has? It's time that I define some terms. I told you I am good at it.

The 'something' that they have I will term it a quality. The next thought that comes to my mind is that all of us have 'something'. All of us do things, say things, have things or are born with things. All of them I also term as a quality. All ethics, good, bad, killer, saint, male, female, black, white, brown, creed, job, love for a music genre, love for a sportsperson, rich, poor, tall, short, fat, thin, gay, straight,  picking nose, bathing every day, movie lover, movie hater, and the list goes on. Let's define this universal set as Q. It's a huge set, a set of googolic proportions. Many of you would say it's not possible to define this set or it’s too big to be defined. First things first I am not trying to define each and every value in this set. All I am saying is that it exists. When I was in 7th grade my English teacher had asked the entire class, a class of about twenty to come to the board one by one and spell a word I can't remember. After no one could spell it correctly she screamed, "You are all idiots. I am wasting my time with you. You are all monkeys. A monkey with a typewriter if types randomly will never end up with Julius Caeser". I raised my hand and said, "How many monkeys are you talking about? Give me enough monkeys & typewriters and I will find out one who would end up with Julius Caeser". Hope you get the drift. The set of all the qualities exists. The set Q.           

Let's define a new set now. A set that defines the qualities that are attributed to all chutiyas. Let's call this set C. Clearly C is a subset of Q.


I think I am getting there. Let's define a set for everyone on the earth. The set Vn which stands for the qualities that can be associated with the nth person on earth. So there are about 6.7 billion such sets. This set in a nutshell defines the nth person of the world. With me? I can now say that if Vn intersected with the set C returns one or more qualities then the nth person is a chutiya. Thus the following formula is the chutiya check.

n(VnC) > 0

This helps me define a new term. The Chutiya Index. For any chutiya the Chutiya Index can be defined as

Chutiya Index = n(VnC) / n(Vn)

This is amazing I think and help myself with another beer. I think of all the chutiyas around me and may be you come across in my thoughts too. That's when another crucial thought strikes. The thought of what is this chutiyapa that am I doing? I see myself in the mirror and I see a chutiya. Seriously, if I were to ask you at this point in time to think of a few chutiyas I am sure more than half of you would name me for what I am trying to do here. My world comes crumbling down and I realize the grave mistake I have made. I have to define C in absolute terms and I can't be the reference point. I need a new definition.

Let's define the set Cmn which represents the set of qualities that makes the nth person of the world a chutiya for the mth person. Of course if m doesn't know n or doesn't think that he/she is a chutiya then this set is empty. So if N is the world's population then objectively C can be defined as

C = U Cij
    i=1 to N
    j=1 to N

I gaze at the formula above for the next sixty seven minutes and instinctively I see the light. It's the light Newton saw when the apple fell on his head or made Archimedes run out of his bath tub. The problem is simplified. C is nothing but Q. If C is Q then it means we are all chutiyas with a Chutiya Index of 1.00. This is a very important result. I will repeat it again.

We are all chutiyas with a Chutiya Index of 1.00.

Once I understand this concept it becomes so much easier to understand the entropy of the world. To see the world move through this word. The 'C' word is not just a word, it is a phenomenon. The word stands for challenging a quality. You challenge something only if you stand for something. So I can derive that you define yourself through the 'C' word! Every time you use the 'C' word you demonstrate your ability to reason. Mankind's progress/regress is associated to it. All inventions. All wars. All love. All hatred. All reason. You. Me. This post itself. Try to think of a world without this phenomenon. Everybody will look the same, think the same, walk the same, talk the same and we will all be stalled.

I hail our great culture that carved out this grandeur word. I hope I have made you understand the power of this word and that next time when you challenge something you would use this word. Now close your eyes, take a deep breath and say the word.  


  1. this is hilarious !!! chutiya i say !

  2. one contradiction: C is not equal to Q as for all values of i=j (and i = closest friend/spouse/parents/...) Cmn would be null

  3. Don't think so. Cmn is null for a large percentage of i and j combinations. The thing is there would be at least one person that would push a given quality in the set Q to the set C.

  4. chutiyas are discussing on chutiyas!!!

  5. This a totally hilarious chutiyapa. But one thing is clear,@irrationalnmber is a wonderful author. He does not need a topic to write on, he can go on blah blah at any non-descript title. At times he goes off-tangent but brings his focus back on Mori-Gate {didn't mention Dhaula Kuan though}.
    Off-hand, I would like to add that if I give him the topic of 'corruption' to write on he would bring any government in the world down.
    Splendid genius, congrats buddy for your writing skills.

  6. hahaha ... u have mathematically analyzed d word !!! ur amazing :)